You’re Only Hugging Me So You Can Wipe Your Nose On My Shirt

“What’s with all the boogers?”
Photo Source: Shevralay via Flickr Creative Commons

Although I promised myself I would never utter some of the most common, amusingly horrible sayings attributed to mothers over the centuries (e.g. “I’ll give you something to cry about” and “I brought you into this world, I can take you out!” ), I do say a number of things to our two daughters I never thought I would …

Sibling Time (Yes, boogers are a big topic in our family!)

“Please stop wiping your boogers on your sister.”

“Seriously, you’re both wiping your boogers on the wall?”

“Stop licking your sister.”

“No means no. When your sister says to stop licking her, you stop.”

“Get your feet off your sister.”

“Keep your hands to yourself. And your feet.”

“Step away from your sister.”

Dinner Time

“You cannot live only on fruit snacks.”

“A fruit snack is actually not a real fruit.”

“Please stop wiping your greasy hands on the kitchen table.”

“Don’t wipe your hands under the table either. Use a napkin.”

“Soap is your friend, honey. Use some soap.”

Mommy Time

“You’re right. It’s not fair.”

“You’re right. I am mean.”

“You’re right. I am grouchy and I am taking it out on you.”

“When your dad gets home, you can tell him all about it.”

“I’m off duty.”

“Mommy needs a time out.”

“Mommy needs to scream. Cover your ears.”

“Oh, believe me, I can see you.”

Random Time (not my proudest moments!)

“I will not carry you all around Costco this time. Use your legs.”

“I will not repeat myself.”

“After this next time, I will not repeat myself.”

“What part of ‘no’ are you having trouble understanding?”

“Or, you could just ignore everything I say.”

“I’ve been with you from the moment we got home. You did not wash your hands.”

Play Time

“I have no idea where your nearly invisible Polly Pocket red shoe is.”

“Quit flinging that fairy wand around – you’ll poke someone’s eye out.”

 “Fine. I’ll close my eyes so you can put all the Candyland picture cards in your pile.”

 “Everything has to be cleaned up before the housekeeper comes tomorrow.”

“Yes, I did throw out the 15,000 scraps of construction paper you left all over the kitchen floor. No, I didn’t realize you were saving them forever.”

“I don’t know where your doll is, but I bet she didn’t walk out of here on her own. Right?”

Any Time

And I do say a few things I always knew I would …

“How did I get so lucky to be your mama?”

“You can always have a hug.”

“I’m the luckiest mommy in the whole world!”

“Sleep tight, little angel.”

What surprising things do you find yourself saying to your kids?

46 thoughts on “You’re Only Hugging Me So You Can Wipe Your Nose On My Shirt

  1. Oh how I love this post!!! SO true that we never ever plan to say all the “interesting” things to our children…it just simply happens. 🙂 “Do NOT fart in your brother’s face!” “I refuse to wipe your butt again.” “I am the only one allowed to SCREAM around here!!!!!” “Do you even know how good you got it??” “Yes you can have a hotdog from breakfast…there’s more protein in that than the fruit loops.” And so on and so on and so on… 😉

    • Chris – Hi! I just checked my spam emails as a fluke and found all of your great comments from the past week in there! I’m really sorry I haven’t responded to any of them and appreciate you stopping by and commenting!

      OMG – I forgot to include – “I am the only one allowed to scream around here!” Perfect! These are fabulous! You could do your own post!

      • This is amazing…because I was wondering JUST yesterday if my comments had been going to spam. I thought maybe I should email you and let you know. So grateful you checked your spam files!! I love supporting your blog! 🙂
        I just might have to write a post about that! There are oh so many more… 😉

  2. Oh, this is hilarious. Your title alone makes this my favorite post of the week and it’s only MOnday. I love these– there’s so much to say about boogers. Why is that? I think the booger stuff is pretty funny, I admit. Great post from a great mama!

    • Boogers are “it” right now! That and licking. Tonight Rhys pretended she was a dog and kept licking my knees – ewww! I said, “Please stop licking my knees!” and Ava replied, “I never thought I’d hear you say that!” We’re all in sync over here!

    • The one I definitely never thought I’d say is “What part of ‘no’ don’t you understand?” It’s so bitchy and condescending, yet I pull it out on occasion when frustrated. Ugh! Our booger issue, however is out of control!

  3. OMG the 15,000 little scraps of construction paper that you were saving forever??!! laughed out loud!! my oldest son is the biggest collector of garbage. i can’t tell you how many times i’ve slowly moved piles of papers slivers closer and closer to the garbage, until finally… SUCCESS! this whole thing was so funny, probably b/c my shirt is someone’s tissue as well. 🙂

    • Our oldest is the scrap collector – she notices if even one is missing! Thankfully, she’s a deep sleeper and I do my best clean-up work after she’s in bed. Our 4 yo is my tissue/shirt girl – she’s really sly about it too!

  4. I never thought I’d have to tell my kids EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, “Please stop picking your nose. I still know what you’re doing even when your back is turned.” Fun post!

  5. Two of the favorites from our family archives:
    “Butter is not a toy!” (and no, it was NOT uttered during a meal!) and…
    “Please don’t color your sister.”

    • I’m right behind you on this. My 9 yo is nearly as tall as I am! Thankfully, she has her dad’s genes so her ass won’t catch up to mine until she’s in her mid to late 80s. But we will mix up our shirts in the not too distant future!

  6. Hmmm, how about, “Can you at least point towards the drain if you’re going to pee in the shower?” or “Stop sniffing the dog’s butt!”
    And the not surprising: “You’re the best little boy a mommy could have.”

  7. This post sounds like dinner time at my house ever night! If this does not show the hundreds of aspects of parenting – that can all happen in the matter of 30 seconds, if that! It’s intense and complex and at the end of the day, about love. You nailed it

  8. My absolute worst parenting moment was when I Ieaned down in front of my then 2 1/2 year old, grabbed him by the shoulders and said, (God forgive me) “you little shit you really want to fuck with me?” I am sure my face was as stunned as his when I realized I had spoken out loud. I had never spoken to him like that before or since. The strange thing was he was an angel for the rest of the afternoon. I guess sometimes honesty really is the best policy. : )

  9. No more eating the couch..
    Stop licking Charlie!
    No sweetie, I’m sorry, but you can’t poop in the yard like the dogs until you buy your own house..
    Look, you peed the letter “T” for “terrific!” (hahaha)

  10. No playing duck duck goose in the bathroom while I’m taking a shower.

    I am not your entertainment committee.

    Yes you have to feed AND water the dog.

  11. I never in a million years thought I would say:”Mommy has to take a poopy right mow! And I’m not going to poop on my pants!” Teachable moment, right?

  12. Pingback: Read here for a (blogging) good time! #pay it forward « Icescreammama

  13. Oh, I wish I would have had a blog when my three boys were young or have taken the time to jot down all the kid-isms in a journal, but my hands were too busy pulling my hair out to write.

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