Turns Out, Winning Is Everything!

After last weekend’s Super Bowl, while everyone else is talking about the implications of Beyonce’s pole dancing performance, I’m left wondering if the San Francisco 49ers knew they weren’t only competing for money, fame and a gaudy, bedazzled ring, but for their very lives.

Research shows that Nobel Prize winners live an average of two years longer than their equally brilliant fellow nominees. Similarly, Academy Award winners live nearly four years longer than other actors. (Hmmm, perhaps the added longevity has something to do with walking across a stage?)

I'll take two!Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

I’ll take two!
Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons

Winners outlive losers. Had the 49ers known this fact, would they have played differently? Granted, available research says nothing about Super Bowl winners.  And with the advanced dementia so many football players will have to live with as they age, perhaps they don’t want extra years. But I do!

I’m getting old. Four extra years could make all the difference in my life. I want to be alive (and moderately alert) to meet my grandkids without my daughters having to get knocked up in high school.

So far I’ve been a winner in life. I have a loving, hard-headed husband, two amazing, healthy children, a nearly fully-functioning mind, and the financial means to afford therapy for those parts of my brain predisposed to short circuiting. These wins should buy me a couple of years at least. But what if that’s not enough?

Just when I was beginning to believe that winning isn’t everything, that it’s worth it to show up, play my heart out and contribute, win or not, I find out nope, winning not only feels better, it adds years to your life.

I’m in search of some extra years, stat!  If winning will bring ‘em, get out of my way.

Does it matter if my opponents are formidable or would any wins work? I’m not above getting a win off of a child or a friend. If major award winners live up to four extra years, how long would I get if I beat my kids at Twister? What about Chess? Would my extra time if I won a Yeah Write competition be measured in days? Weeks? Oh, the glory of life!

Yes, winning these contests would mean I’d be stealing years away from my less fortunate family and friends. But those losers have more time to spare. Mine is a life or death mission. Now that I know winning imparts the benefit of extra life, move over people. You’re on notice.

What’s going to give me the most life for my effort?

The chances of me winning a Nobel Prize or Academy Award are slim at this point. (Though I am open to embracing either of those distinctions. And I’ve already found the perfect dress.) In lieu of a Pulitzer Prize jackpot, I’ll have to piece together additional life by winning smaller competitions. Here’s my plan:

  • Secure Publishing Contract = 6 months per book
  • Conduct Media Tours for my books:  National Media Outlets = 1 month per; Local Media Outlets = 1 week per
  • Publish Magazine/Online Articles =  1 week per
  • Win “Freshly Pressed” Distinction =  1.5 days per
  • Win at anything against my husband =  10 hours per
  • Win at board games and hide ‘n seek against children =  2 hours per

Am I not thinking grand enough? National Book Award? Oprah Book Club 2.0? New York Times Bestseller List? I’m feeling younger already!

Seeing that my life depends on it, perhaps I should start writing my award-winning novel … In the meantime, anyone up for a friendly game of tag?


38 thoughts on “Turns Out, Winning Is Everything!

  1. If it means anything, I’d always suspected this to be true. I was pretty sure that Hugh Heffner seemed pretty happy. Meanwhile I wish you could explain the whole Yeah Write thing. I would love to take part, but I don’t get it. It seems overwhelming. I feel like I need a tutorial. Or something. These prompts these to be really great. And look at you? Wining. I’m getting discouraged. Felling like I’m giving it away ever week. *Sigh* Think you can shoot me an email sometime? So we can chat about this stuff? And winning?I rarely get discouraged, but I feel like I’m on the train to Bummersville.

  2. Ha! I knew it! Winning is everything!!! yet, you raise interesting questions, does it matter who you win against? hmm. i think more research needs to be done. until then, much as it hurts me, i’ll continue kicking everyone’s ass. Thanks for the motivation to step it up a notch. 😉

  3. The stats need in me wonders if winning adds years or if bitter disappointment sucks years away. Like the almost-winners waste so much energy kicking themselves that they second guess themselves into an early grave.

      • Just do what I do and avoid competition. Whether I miss out on some years by not winning or avoid an early death by not losing… I’ll consider it all a wash. 😉 Oh except that stupid Circle of Moms thing. I feel like such an attention whore now. *sigh*

        (clever post, as usual…)

  4. Hilarious! Who knew? Love your humor and the angle you took writing this post. Clever indeed. I like your list and vote for many more additions with even bigger jumps in longevity! You’re worth it and so are your accomplishments – big or small. Love you. Keep writing. Xoxo

  5. Im not playing any games w/you – hypercompetitive nut. I can just imagine you attending one of your child’s games or even coaching the team. Win or die young girls – no pressure.
    Congrats on the Yeah Write win.
    Good luck in wining more & living longer.

  6. Perhaps the genetics of people who are predisposed to live longer also gives them an advantage in being successful, i.e. winners. That kind of ruins the theory and takes all the fun out of it though. Interesting post. I hope you keep winning and especially nail that book contract!

  7. Haha! I remember when I read that article. It pissed me off to no end – it’s like when you’re asked to list your previous awards on an application for a new award. What does that have to do with whether or not you deserve the new award? The rich just keep getting richer…

    This post kind of made me laugh too, because I just wrote a post about how I am definitely NOT winning. I should have added that all this failure was also shortening my life.

  8. Pingback: Talk Yourself Up « To Pursue Happiness

  9. I wish the 49ers had played to win! But showing up only in the second half wasn’t enough ;(

    I’d think winning yeah write would add at least a decade no? Love this post, although now I’m worried – sometimes I just like to play the game.

  10. Interesting! I believe it! Ever since my jock-husband beat me at tennis when we were dating, everything I do is a competition with him. 😉 Right now I have bragging rights for winning the most Monopoly games in our 17 years of marriage! Ha! Found you on SITS! Good luck with your writing goals!

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