Hey, Stacy Keibler – I Call Dibs on Your Brain

I’m in awe of Stacy Keibler. Rather than curl up in the time-honored, traditional post-breakup fetal position, George Clooney’s ex-girlfriend has been making the rounds of entertainment news shows, charming reporters with quotes like, “I’m someone that’s always lived the present moment. I always look at the positive on everything.”

Photo via flickr.com

Photo via flickr.com

Whaaaaat? Long legs, two years with George Clooney AND a brain that focuses on the positive? A genetic trifecta! So not fair.

Others can envy her long limbs and romantic conquests, I covet her positive brain. Where do I get one?

Who do I have to f* - I mean - What do I have to do to get a brain like Keibler's?

What do I have to do to get a brain like Keibler’s?

For nearly half my life I’ve worked to transform my negativity-seeking brain into a affirmation-infused positive one. Although I was dropped on my head a number of times as a child, I’m not convinced that accounts for the way my brain processes life, especially incoming information.

Perhaps something more sinister is at work. Undiagnosed brain tumor? Incompetent therapist? Not enough sex? You decide:

A recent conversation with my husband:

Me:  Honey, I’m not sure I like these white jeans on me. What do you think?

Him:  They look good, but, you know, they’re white jeans. I don’t think anyone looks great in white jeans. I like blue jeans better.

What a normal brain hears:  Don’t love them. Blue jeans are more my thing.

What my brain hears:  Whoa, when did you gain all that weight? Don’t you dare wear those jeans out of this house! 

A recent email exchange with a magazine editor:

Her:  Thanks for submitting.  Please review the attached editorial calendar and let me know where to place your essay for consideration.  

What a normal brain hears:   Your essay caught my eye, but I’m not sure where it fits in. Here’s our editorial calendar. Keep trying.

What My Brain Hears:  Listen, loser, get your head out of your a** and read our editorial calendar. Don’t bother me again til you do.

A recent interaction with my 21-year-old niece:

Her:  I love your blog, Auntie. I read everything you write. I’ve also been enjoying reading your friend’s blog. I read more parenting blogs than any other non-mom on the planet!

What a normal brain hears:  I love you Auntie, and I like keeping in touch with you through your blog!

What my brain hears:  Your writing is ok, Auntie, but your friend’s writing – wow! She’s amazingly talented!

If only negative thinking were a marketable skill. (Then I could afford the lobotomy that’s medically indicated.)

At times, I can laugh at how determined my brain is to find something negative in everyday interactions, no matter how neutral or innocuous. Other times, I need to be talked off the ledge by my über supportive friends (and one professional therapist who, thanks to my brain’s shenanigans, can afford long vacations in La Jolla. Maybe with Stacy Keibler).

Until brain transplants are perfected, I appear to be stuck with the one I have. But I’m ready for a change. Maybe Stacy Keibler can be my new therapist?

38 thoughts on “Hey, Stacy Keibler – I Call Dibs on Your Brain

  1. This is my favorite kind of post and you do it very well. Taking something from popular culture– Stacy K– and then bringing it home. You and Carinn Jade do it so well and I just can’t do it. THis is one of my favorites of yours– totally relatable, clever, and so so well written. Get on that editorial calendar!!! The world needs you and your words.

  2. JUST did this! New blinds installed in The Happy House. Hubby said: “They’re fine. A little short, but okay.”

    Most people would hear: “There’s a little gap on either side where the light comes through, but I can live with them.”

    I heard: “You can’t even do blinds right. What’s wrong with you?”

    Working on snuffing out this annoying voice permanently! Great post!

    • That wicked witch really gets around, no? I would have heard the exact same thing! Scary! We both need buckets of water to douse that bitch! 😉 Good thing we’re both so lovable anyway!

  3. I’m utterly fascinated by her, and every time I see her on a morning show, I wonder if, in her most private at-home moments, she is eating Ben & Jerry’s by the pint, wearing dirty sweatpants, and throwing darts at a board plastered with George’s face.

  4. how fabulous that you are checking out editorial calendars!!! i think it’s normal to be hard on yourself. i would totally hear almost all of what you hear…but really? the wicked witch?? come on!! 🙂

  5. This post made me laugh out loud. Seriously! Thank you. Wonderfully funny! Hilarious actually. I almost wet my pants when I saw the brain images. Thank you for brightening my day. I relate on too many levels, yet appreciate your humor spin. Love you.

  6. This was very insightful and self-aware. I think I do it more as I interpret others’ actions as opposed to words. So when someone can’t get together for a long time or something like instead of making about them (they’re really busy right now), I end up making it about me (they don’t want to be with me.) Similar idea! Yeah. let’s be Stacy.

    • I’d love to be Stacy with you! I do the same thing you describe with other people’s actions – interpret them as saying something about me. How often do I interpret something as being positive toward me? Rarely! Baby steps toward change. Thanks for reading!

  7. I want Stacy Keibler’s brain too! We could share it – or do you think it would lose its power if split in half? Oh, and talk about internalizing, I am never ever ever wearing white jeans again – power of internalization osmosis!

    • This entire post was designed as a subliminal message to ditch white jeans! So happy to hear it worked! Seriously, I’ll share anything with you. Even used celebrity grey matter. 😉

  8. Hahaha – thank you for the Hollywood gossip update. I’m totally behind : ) Hey guess what. My brain does that negative thing, too. I politely thank it for trying to ruin my day with a load of horseshit, and then ask the other side of my brain if it has anything healthy and appropriate to contribute. Usually it does, and then I’m happy again. Hooray!

    In other news, I just read on C Tate’s blog that you’ll be at Blogher – me too! I would love to meet you!

  9. Great post! Like you, I tend to see the negative in everything – even if it isn’t there. I am trying to learn that not everything is about ME – sometimes people are just in a bad mood or dealing with their own issues.

  10. I think any woman entering a relationship with George Clooney has to be like that. He’s NEVER getting married. You won’t be the ONE to change him. But you. You are way too hard on yourself!

  11. Your editor comment made me laugh! I don’t want this to sound sexist, but I think that’s kind of a girl/boy thing. Girls worry about stuff, guys don’t worry about nearly as much. But yes, we all could use a little Stuart Smalley affirmation in our lives. NOW, I don’t know what y’all are thinking about with the white jeans… IMHO… KUDOS to any woman that can pull off wearing a nice pair of fitted white jeans… HOT!!

  12. Lol, your poor husband. After 18 or so years together, I am 100% aware when my wife is going to take something absolutely not the way it was meant to be taken even before I say it. Sometimes, I’ll write on a piece of paper what I think she’ll say in response to what she has asked or I’m about to say and give it to her after she says exactly what I’ve written down. I’m really glad to hear that this seems quite normal for you women.

  13. Oh Mary, I’m so with you on this. My brain plays tricks on me all day long. I will loose sleep over completely fake scenarios. I let my mind wonder, think the worst about a situation, a person, an event, and before you know the whole world is out to get me and I’m awake plotting how to overcome this fake battle at 4AM. No lie. I’ve been trying to remember one of my favorite verses. Philippians 4:8-Think on things that are real. It’s just insane how much time I spend thinking on things that aren’t even REAL for goodness sake!
    You are not alone. And why would George Clooney dump her? What a douche bag.

    • What a great verse to focus on! I’m stealing that one, but I won’t have much to obsess about if I only “think on things that are real!” What will I do with my crazy brain?

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